Misery doesn't smile
by iaera
Summary: Just before her match against Trish at Survivor Series, Lita thinks about the year she’s had so far. Characters include: Lita and mentions of Kane and Trish. Not a LitaKane. Oneshot.


Title: Misery doesn't smile  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.  
Rating: R  
Spoilers: Up to Survivor Series 11/14/2004  
Summary: Just before her match against Trish at Survivor Series, Lita thinks about the year she's had so far. Characters include: Lita and mentions of Kane and Trish. Not a Lita/Kane. Hah, you wish.

Notes: There are some things that might not fit. For example we need to pretend that Lita found out sooner that Kane was the father of her child. Things like that. I know this story can seem a little boring since there's really nothing new in it and all, but just give it a shot. If it's horribly boring then do tell me, but please don't flame.

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Is it wrong to get pleasure out of other people's misery? 

That's a question I've been battling with myself about. Most people I know would say it is wrong, sick even. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. Maybe it's just proportionate. A matter of a point of view.

If someone had asked me that a few months before, I would have said yes without hesitation. In fact, few months before I would have smacked the person who had the misfortune of asking me that. Why? I don't think I really need to explain that to anybody, but if you insist, one word will tell you all. One name will give you all the information you need to understand why.

Kane.

I can feel my lips twitch into a grimace at the mere thought of the name. God do I hate that man. No…not a man. A monster. He truly is evil to the bone. I swear I have never in my entire life met another human being that is half as nasty and perverted as him.

It's not only the way he looks that is demonic, but it's also the way he is inside. Some people may think that he's not as bad as he looks, or that he is just misunderstood or something about the pain he's gone through all his life. People who think this way don't know him. They haven't met him.

They have not been the object of his anger, his hate…or his interest.

I can't bring myself to refer to it as anything else than interest. I shudder as the words 'crush' and 'love' enter my thoughts. That…monster…he can't possibly feel any emotions so pure and innocent. Nothing pure or innocent should be given to him, ever. His presence is enough to perish all that is good.

If he were to walk by a wild flower, I have no doubt in my mind that the flower would die. His shadow will corrupt anything it touches. I think he's been that way all his life. Destroying everything he touches. Maybe he was evil when he was still in his mother's womb. I can certainly picture, not with pleasure, how he made his mother suffer while giving birth.

Not that any birth was easy and painless, no. But with someone like Kane…I'm sure he put an extra effort to make it more painful. I can't begin to understand how it must have felt for his mother to have realized what kind of a monster she'd created. Was she feeling shock? Disgust? Sadness? Remorse? I bet she was.

Once realized her son was different from others, a monster, a threat to anybody around him, did she ever consider the possibility of ending his misery before it got too far? Did she…

Suddenly I feel a really cold sensation in my stomach.

I shook my head in disbelief. I can't believe I'm really thinking this way. This is not me. I rake my left hand through my long hair, slightly annoyed that it's hanging on my face. Even after all the things Kane has done to me, I could never think his life should have been ended when he was a child.

But I just did, didn't I?

At least I thought of it as a possibility. Which is bad enough. What has happened to me?

His name answers that question too.

Kane is what happened. I never expected it. I never knew it was going to happen. And God knows I _never_ wanted it.

I can't help but ask why, why me? What so horrible have I done to deserve all the pain that Kane brought upon me? Why did he ever decide to make me his sacrifice? Why did he choose _me_? Why not someone else? Why did he have to ruin my life?

And what a hell does that sacrifice thing mean, anyway?

He stalked me for so long. He made me live in constant fear. And God do I hate to be afraid.

I have never feared anyone as I have feared him. I'm not ashamed to admit that. He harassed me, followed me, taunted me. He was everywhere. I couldn't sleep, not only because of the nightmares, but also because I was afraid he'd emerge from the shadows while I was asleep. I couldn't go out because I thought he'd find me and hurt me.

That's the way I was at first. You might not have seen it from the outside, at least not realized how badly he really scared me. I always tried to be brave and fearless when I had to confront him.

In time I learned to truly become fearless. Of course it had a lot to do with the fact that I was pregnant. It wouldn't have made a difference to Kane, if there hadn't been the chance of the baby being his.

Oh yes.

When I found out that he indeed was the father of my child, I felt sick. I really felt so sick that I was close to vomiting. Of course one could think the nausea was only natural to a pregnant woman, but I'll tell you otherwise. It was physical illness caused by the knowledge that I was carrying Kane's child, a child that was created on that terrible night.

Now I am close to vomiting as my thoughts turn to _that_ night.

It has to be the most horrifying, humiliating and disgusting night I have ever experienced. I can't even begin to describe how I felt, what it was like… But I had to do it. He would have hurt Matt. He would have destroyed him, ended his career…he would have paralyzed him.

I couldn't stand the thought of him being so hurt. I couldn't…I couldn't just sit back and watch as Kane was carrying out his plan to destroy the love of my life.

So I did it. I did what he asked of me. I slept with him.

That experience is something I have buried so deep within myself that it's just a distant memory anymore. Still not so distant that I wouldn't remember it for the rest of my life.

I thought that would be it. That he would leave me and Matt alone. That he would let us be. I really thought he would. But he didn't.

At first, I was terrified when I found out I was expecting Kane's child. I didn't really even think of it as a child, as twisted as it may sound, I only thought about the fact that _it_ was Kane's. It was a consequence of the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Anything good couldn't have come out of that.

I was disgusted and ashamed of the…thing…I had growing in my womb. I couldn't think reasonably about it. I thought of it as some kind of monstrosity. And it made me sick to my stomach.

I was so beside myself, so eager to get rid of the thing that I didn't yet refer to as a child that I tried to get myself a miscarriage. At the same time I wanted to make Kane suffer. I wanted to make him responsible for me losing the child.

So I walked down the ramp after his match against Benoit had just ended. I had the plan on my mind. But when Kane grabbed me by my throat, ready to chokeslam me, which I was aiming at, I was suddenly very scared for the thing. For the child. For my baby.

I was thankful that Kane could restrain himself. It saved my baby. From that moment on I felt the bond between me and my child, I realized that it was _mine_, it was my son or my daughter no matter who the father was.

It still didn't make me happy. I loved my baby, yes, but my life was still miserable. And I never thought it could get any worse. I was wrong, of course.

It didn't take too long before I found myself in the most unlikeliest and horrendous situations that could have happened at that point.

I found myself married to Kane.

Not by my wish, God no. It was the second of three things that marked the worse moments of my life. After the ceremony, which had to be interrupted by Trish Stratus of all people, don't get me wrong – I was not in a hurry to marry, but I also wasn't in the mood for dealing with Trish.

I hoped against hope for all that I was worth that someone – _anyone_ – would have stopped the ceremony. It was not to be. Matt tried, and got a chokeslam over the stage for his efforts.

Anyway, after the ceremony… I was crushed. I was so depressed that I thought I couldn't live anymore. For the next days I cried myself to sleep every night.

I lived under Kane's terrorism like I had for a long time, again. I just wasn't that scared of him anymore as I knew he wouldn't hurt me. It didn't mean he wouldn't make my life miserable by other ways than violence.

He did use violence as much as he dared, pushing me around, yanking me by my arms, dragging me around anywhere he liked. He always forced me down to ringside when ever he had a match. Support from his wife, as he called it. He loved to call me his wife. The way he thought, I was his property, something he owned and something he could do anything to whenever he wanted.

It was one of those times at ringside when the thing I had feared happened. Only it was not by Kane, not directly, but Gene Snitsky.

I lost my baby.

I blame Kane for it just as much as I blame Snitsky. If Kane hadn't dragged me down to the ring, if he hadn't forced me to come watch the match…It never would have happened. I'd still had my baby.

I shook my head. There's nothing I can do about it so there's no use dwelling on it anymore.

There is one person though. One person that's been making my life even worse than it already was.

One person that has been continuously, purposefully making sure that I wouldn't have a moment of peace from the nightmare that is my life. She has tortured my already tormented mind for so long. And she's done it with a smile on her face.

That one person that I've been waiting for months to get my hands on. That one person that I hate _so_ much. That one person I'm going to hurt so badly tonight that she won't be able get up from bed the next day.

Trish Stratus.

The name makes my face turn into a scowl, the all too familiar scowl that I've been wearing on my face for some time now. Actually, not just some time – months and months.

And while Kane is someone I can't really fight, Trish is someone I can. And will.

I have never liked Trish. I've always felt this dislike towards her that I can't really explain. But it's never been as strong as it is now…I hate her. I hate her from the bottom of my wounded heart.

Some time ago I might not have felt this powerful urge to hurt her, to cause her physical pain…and enjoy it. Despite the things she's done to me in the past, before Kane's obsession, I don't think I ever felt this way before.

But I have changed. Things have changed.

I no longer care.

My lips twitch, but this time not into a grimace but a smirk. I hear a strange noise, a noise that I recognize from somewhere. A noise I haven't heard for a long time.

It takes me a while to realize that the sound I hear is actually coming from me. As I stand up and leave the locker room, on my way towards the curtains for my match against Trish…

The empty corridors are echoing with my laughter.

It was time for Trish to finally get what's been coming to her for a long time. And this time it was me doing the hurting.

With a smile on my face.

FIN.

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I _know_ she wasn't smiling at her match at Survivor Series, but come on. I can make her smile if I want to. And if you could just leave a little review, I'd be very happy...:) 


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